Memory Lane: October 6, 2005. Law School jokes that seemed funny at the time.

so i've been in law school for a month now. i've read through a 1000 plus pages in this time and accumulated a wealth of knowledge in contracts, torts, constitutional law, civil procedure and lets not forget legal writing. and you may ask, how do you feel about all the stuff you have learned?

well, i will tell you. i feel like a superhero that just got his powers. only my super hero name will be something along the lines of captain advocate (captain a, for short), or sir sue-a-lot. maybe its just the initial enthusiasm as a law student, and i don't know any better, but i'm slowly starting to see everything as a potential lawsuit, and like a true superhero i am out to save the world (well sort of). but before i can even do that, i think it will be necessary to take applications for my new super hero law student team, who will fittingly be named the supreme (court) team. has a nice ring to it don't you say. the justice league was taken.

using my ever evolving super hero powers, i plan on going through the mean streets and first tackling the following issues.

*disclaimer* (should be in big print, in bold)

the following might not be the correct application of the law (what can i say, it has only been one month), therefore, i am not liable for you applying any of the following concepts and them not working for you, ya dig?

i. i will be suing the toronto raptors for many things. firstly, rob bobcock for consiparcy to have the franchise relocated. i don't think the iraqi army would let you draft for them, and they'll take anybody right now. as well, your ability to make poor trade after poor trade... i know somewhere in there, you are violating my constitutional right, and even though i'm in minnesota right now and your in canada, i'll figure out the jurisdiction rules. count on it

ii. sucker mc's beware. under the uniform commercial code S-420 (also known as the run dmc clause) all sucker mc's will be hated on at will by all members of the public. this includes those that download your album for free and think it sucks (cause it wasted our time, and takes up space on our hard drive) as well it includes excessive playing on the radio or tv (you are doing a diservice to the public by influencing the youth of today with your wack music). the comments in the code specifically list the following artists as violators of the code: lil jon, ludacris, fat joe, the whole cash money and no limit crew, 95% of all artists on mtv right now, and any rapper that brags about how much cheese, whips and bling they have in their first video (first of all, we know those are rentals, and how are you a millionaire when you haven't sold 1 album yet??)

iii. i'm going after every bouncer that ever threw out my friends and/or i from a club for no reason, or even if they had a reason. when you put your steroid filled arm on my back, tort, tort, tort. when you got that beer bottle smashed on your head, well that was self defense on our part, you were clearly charging at us. oh and to the bouncers that insist on keeping us out in the cold to hold the line when you know its dead inside, you are going down by my new found belief in the constitution. i think its amendment xxvi that protects my right to keep warm, and if not, to whip your ass.

iv. unfortunately to anyone that i ever made a gratuitous promise to, i'm sorry to inform you that i can not be held to that. so i f i said, i'll get you back next time, or i'll take you out for dinner sometime, even i'm i stamped it and said no erasies and pinky swore, i'm sorry to tell you, but you lose. now i might only have to fullfill these things, if i actually like you.

v. all poor drivers in milliken and for that matter anywhere in north america will be made guilty under negligence, trespass, case you name it. bad drivers know they are bad drivers. if not, they should be able to tell by the big ass dents on their bumper, fender and their door. i don't care that when bad drivers leave their house that they don't intend to harm someone, just their actual presence on the road, causes us apprehension.

vi. any movie, tv show, sports event, or concert without a disclaimer before it starts stating, that it has a potential to suck (on a scale of 1-10) is subject to rewarding damages on the basis for wasting anywhere from 30 mins to 3 hours of my life that i cannot get back. there is nothing worse then having to sit through an event half way hoping that it is going to get better, only for it to never turn around. for this, i expect to receive atleast $100 from the makers of napolean dynamite, million dollar depression, and double that for my attendance to any toronto raptors game.

vii. any job interview that you ever went to and thought you were really going to get, only to be hit the so-called "sorry, f off" letter that states they had too many qualified applicants, and they will be keeping your application on file for a year. guess what? if i find out that you don't have my application on file, and if a friend who is working at the company tells me they hired someone after you that is a total hack, your company will be held in breach of your own written correspondence. and if that doesn't work, there is always the race card. same goes for any university that you applied to and didn't get into.

viii. no more frustrating weather reports that state the wrong forecast day after day. i wake up, check the forecast and see sunny skies ahead, only for it to be raining by noon. next time you do that, i'm suing you for your lack of forseeability. and things like "there is a chance of rain", well that is unacceptable. you know what there is a chance that i might win $10,000,000. there is a chance that i could be dating jessica alba. there is a chance for many things, and saying there is a chance of rain, doesn't really help in the grand scheme of things. f you, pay me.

iX. dirty looks, screw faces are grounds for an ass whipping. we understand your right to get into a brawl every now and then, that is clearly not your fault. don't worry the shoot first, ask questions later defense is totally acceptable in this jurisdiction, and in south africa it is actually encouraged. so go for it.

x. last but not least, coffee too hot? burger too cold, dope count too small? drinks too watered down, we'll take the case, and find it somewhere in your constitutional, jurisdictional, contractual right, whatever to get what is yours.

"f the judge, f the jury when you're rolling with me, it's people's court, we hold court in the streets..."